The first two weeks after child birth suck. I just have to remember that and not get my expectations up. But even this third time around, I feel like I should have it all together a few days after getting home from the hospital. Hasn't happened yet. And that makes me depressed.
Add on the fact that nursing is a nightmare and I loathe my child every time she wants to eat and that equals no bonding with adorable new baby and tons of guilt. Reading everyone's blogs about how great General Conference was and how much having children has made them realize God's love for them doesn't help either.
Why am I such a bad mother who can't wait for her kids to go to sleep at night and give me some peace? Why can't I enjoy little moments? Why has raising kids erased the humor from my life instead of multiplying it? What happened to spontaneity and fun? Are my children going to look back on childhood with fondness or dread?
Just when I think I can't take it any more, I find these pictures on the computer:
Superheroes to the rescue(And yes, those are Home Depot aprons)
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.
And I remembered that trials are part of the reason we are here on earth. And no matter what sacrifices I have to make for my children, no matter what pain I bear for their sakes, Jesus Christ has borne much worse and loved us much more. And knowing that, I think perhaps motherhood can be a bit more manageable.
ah, i'm totally with you on this one. Like how I was about to swear (Or maybe did yesterday) after Lisa had a third dirty diaper at the beginning of her nap and then cried, talked and only slept for 45 minutes. Did I mention she was up at 3 two nights ago, then 4, and then 4 again today? Yes, she did go back to sleep by some miracle, but still--- 4am sucks. We went through hell a few weeks ago, when Lisa would wake up 3 times a night and then Alex finally gave me a blessing, so I wouldn't totally lose my mind and I was once again reminded of our Savior. Thanks for the reminder of his love, as I was about to spiral into insanity again from the lack of sleep! Hope you're doing better! Love you!
ReplyDeleteAwww I love those pictures! Charlotte is getting so big! I hope things are going better for you now. I love you! =)
ReplyDeleteWait, so you had your baby? What did I miss?!?
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda, the pics were great! Another little girl! Congratulations. I do empathize with you on the nursing part. i thought I was the only one who hated nursing!! Bella and I are struggling...to the point that I ran out of the house screaming/wailing one day when rodney came home, just in my g's! I commiserate completely...it's good to have those little extra reminders (pictures, videos) to get you through the rough spots! I would love newborns and babies if I just didn't have to deal with nursing at all! Or feedings completely. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda...most of the young mothers I know, feel the way you do. I know I most certainly do the majority of the time. I think the woman, especially the ones we hear at Conference and Relief Society so easily speak of motherhood with love and caring, are the ones who are looking at it from hindsight, a place which makes it much easier to enjoy the little moments--the memory of how hard and difficult the day to day demands of a mother are, have faded. I do that now with Aidan. I remember things so fondly, and then Matthew reminds me of how miserable I was for months after he was born. It is a challenge to bring a newborn home ESPECIALLY when there are already two small children there waiting for you, needing you, without care or thought of what you are needing. Motherhood is great yes, but it is hard, thankless, frustrating, and completely exhausting. I commend you for your honesty and for being brave enough to say to those other mothers out there (me included) that you don't have it all together, and it's tough. It helps to know you are not alone. Remember the clean house I always used to have? That's been gone for a long time. I count myself lucky these days if we have clean dishes to eat off of, and clean clothes to wear. Which by the way sit in piles all over the house...I don't put them away, but they are clean :) Please don't hesitate to ask for help. Matthew is actually starting to get regular hours again and we can watch the kids on a friday off if you like? Let me know. I love you.
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